Stopping Self-Sabotage

What is self-sabotage?

Self-sabotage is when people hinder their own success. This can be in the form of negative self-talk, such as telling yourself that you are inadequate or unworthy of success. You will often find yourself thinking things like “I can’t do that”, “I don’t deserve that” or “If I try, I will probably fail anyway, so why bother!” When it occurs, it can destroy our physical, mental or emotional health. If not controlled, self-sabotage can lead to destructive outcomes in our personal and professional lives.

Why do we self-sabotage?

No one purposely decides to self-sabotage. Research reveals a number of reasons why we sub-consciously do this. A few examples are:

1. Neglect or rejection.

Being neglected or rejected as a child can cause low self-esteem or other negative self-image issues. This can then induce us to sabotage personal relationships in an effort to avoid further rejection.

2. Modelling behaviours

Again, modelling behaviours from a parent’s behaviours or constant criticism as a child can cause a person self-sabotage. For example, if a child is told that they are not worthy or that they are clumsy, they may internalize this to be true and then they perceive themselves to be clumsy or unworthy.

3. Adaptive to maladaptive behaviours

When we are young, we adopt behaviours that are initially considered adaptive to allow us to survive challenges. However, these behaviours can become maladaptive when they continue into adulthood, long after the encounter has passed.

4. Approach-avoidance conflict

In some cases, self-sabotage is a biological response, once necessary for survival. Dr Judy Ho (2019) uses Kurt Lewin’s approach-avoidance conflict to explain goals that have both positive and negative consequences, creating competing forces. She explains that the approach dynamic is initialed when someone sets a goal, which releases dopamine in the brain. However, the avoidance dynamic is initiated by avoiding a threat, or perceived threats. Self-sabotage occurs when the desire to reduce the threat exceeds the desire to reach the goal.

What are some ways to stop self-sabotage?

While the origins for self-sabotage usually stem from childhood experiences, there are some things you can do to help you overcome self-sabotaging habits and thoughts. The first step is to identify what thought patterns or behaviour appear to be hindering your success.

Once you have identified that you are self-sabotaging in some way, there are things you can do to overcome these behaviours and thoughts. These are:

• Set meaningful goals and pair them with an action plan
• Practice mindfulness
• Know and embrace your strengths
• Make small changes
• Work with a mental health practitioner
• Contact a life coach for guidance
• Talk in-depth with a friend
• Read and study more self-help materials

Some questions for you to ponder if you think you do self-sabotage:

1. What patterns do you see? For example, do you mostly sabotage yourself when it comes to your health? Your job? Your relationships?
2. What new ways will you respond in the future? For each way you listed above that you engage in self-defeating behaviors, jot down how you’ll respond to those same situations to avoid self-sabotage in the future.
3. Share your commitment to stop self-sabotage. Who can you talk to about your vow to end the self-defeating behaviors for good?
4. Educate yourself. Which books will you read to become more informed about your feelings, thoughts, and motives?
5. What will you do if you’re unable to stop self-sabotaging behaviors?

With some effort on your part, you can develop awareness into your self-sabotaging behaviors. Change what you’re doing to discover a life that’s rich and full of all the joy and excitement you seek.

And importantly, reinforce all your efforts. Tell yourself you’re doing a good job, write down your feelings, share your progress with a confidante – such as a mentor or coach.           

Reference: Ho, J.P (2019) Stop self-sabotage: Six steps to unlock your true motivation, harness your willpower, and get out of your own way. Harper Wave